May 2023
May 30th, 2023
I got the chance to see the movie with friends and family. Halle Bailey's voice was so beautiful, and she is an amazing Ariel. I loved seeing the movie a few times. The music was really catchy and I couldn't stop listening to it afterwards. The thing that caught me off guard was Sebastian's and Flounder's characters translated from cartoon to realism. Sebastian's eyes were a bit off-putting and I was expecting Flounder to be more vividly colorful. Growing up, I remember Ariel being one of my favorite Disney princesses, and this movie did not disappoint. I am so happy that we are having more princesses casted by people of color and that little girls (and adult women!) have more representation on the big screen. I also wanted to acknowledge the subtle queer themes from the original Danish author Hans Christian Andersen in the 1830s. The films have changed the ending but the message is overall still there.
May 20th, 2023
It was a beach day. Impromptu and spontaneous. The night before I met new people and helped us relax after a stressful work week. We played board games and talked about how different our lives once were and where we are now. Somehow, someway, we found time to forget our worries and just enjoy each other's company. Meeting new people makes me socially anxious, and here I was welcoming strangers into my home. It did help that someone else was also socially anxious and we slowly became comfortable enough that conversation flowed easier. The actual beach day had a different energy. Instead of calming, the rolling waves and sunbeams were a bit too intense for me. I was not able to let myself relax enough. I had to spend the day on a chair in the sand. The things I have learned from these experiences are that I need to listen to my own body and acknowledge when things do not feel comfortable. Ask myself what the context is and is it something that can be eased with time or do I need to actually adjust something. The previous night my anxiety had eased with time and I just needed to let us settle. The next day I needed to take myself out of the water for my own safety and stay on land even if I wanted so desperately to wait it out in the water.
May 7th 2023
5.7.2023
Beloved younger self,
“You are loved. You are growing. Your feelings are valid. You are great. You are enough. You are worthy of love. You are strong. You love your body. You believe in yourself.”
That’s what the insulated tumbler that I bought myself last night says. I will take it with me on my most stressful days and on my best days. I want to get to the point where I won’t have to remind myself of those quotes because I will genuinely feel it in my bones.
The tumbler came with a cracked and scratched lid. It is broken. Normally, I would just take the loss and stay silent. Probably never buy it again because I didn’t think it was worth the hassle of getting a working one. However, my partner convinced me to reach out and try salvaging it. Order a bunch of replacement lids that I would probably never run out of. Instead, the store owners decided to replace my lid free of charge. And a restaurant owner gifted us a gallon of unsweetened tea because we were the last customers at the end of the night. We have a support network. Even if it isn’t always so obvious. People care and people are good. We just have to try.
I decided to take my broken positive affirmations bottle with me to work this morning anyway.
I filled it up with unsweetened tea and mixed it with an energy drink and ice. It ended up staying cold for well over 12 hours. It was definitely a well-worth investment. The money that I bought the tumbler with went to the small business of a Latina-owned and queer couple. They were at a market that my partner and I enjoyed going to for the first time. In addition to my tumbler, I also got a wonderful lavender chocolate cake slice and lavender honey. My partner got a sticker book for the tons of stickers they ordered.
I know the life I am currently living is nothing like what you had ever imagined. You didn’t really have an idea of what you truly wanted, you just knew what you didn’t want. But I do know that what we have now is something we don’t want to lose. You used to get on roller coasters to feel the rush that would jolt you from your numbness. The kind of rush that reminded you that you are alive and could lose the chance to continue living at any moment.
Now, you hate roller coasters. Unless it’s when you’re clutching the hand of your mother-in-law because your brother-in-law convinced y'all to get on the scariest looking ride of Six Flags. Unless it’s by the side of your partner. Unless it’s with your siblings. Unless your friends are by your side. Unless… you don’t have to go alone anymore. You don’t need the rush to remind you of your life anymore.
You live and take in the days by the side of your ever-loving puppy and your loving partner. You are grateful for the moments spent with your chosen family. The friends that have stuck by your side.
“You are loved. You are growing. Your feelings are valid. You are great. You are enough. You are worthy of love. You are strong. You love your body. You believe in yourself.”
-Forever and Always,
Yours truly.
Cinco de Mayo - 2023
The Baile Folklorico has made a comeback into my life. It is a traditionally cultural style of group dance involving skirt maneuvers and highly choreographed steps. The skirts are very flowy and can be mesmerizing by the color swirls they create. I always loved how I felt twirling around with giddiness as my skirt swirled around me making beautiful patterns. I loved being part of the group and being synchronized through the choreography. I was reminded last night during a celebration event hosted by my apartment complex of the passion I used to have while dancing and performing the baile when I was young. I am thinking of maybe joining a beginners group again and developing that skill and hobby that had been long forgotten. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my sense of joy and happiness that ended too quick in my childhood. I remember having my grandparents video tape my tap dancing performances or my mom allowing me my first taste of trying on makeup because of a baile folclorico performance.